Hi! I’m Laura. Don’t think I’ve seen you at this Metra stop before. Are you new to the neighborhood?
Yeah! Seems like a nice place.
It’s great! There’s always a lot going on. Are you heading the same way I am?
Looks like it, but I might stop at the barbershop on the corner and get a haircut real quick–
Um, I’d recommend against it.
Why?
I’m not saying it’s a front for the criminal underworld, I’m just saying I’ve never seen an actual customer in there. …In any of these shops, come to think of it.
What about that one with all the crystals and tarot cards in the window?
Definitely a poorly disguised portal to a shadow dimension. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen it open. …We probably shouldn’t stand in front of it too long, I don’t want to make it mad.
Make what mad? …Wait, the building?
Come on, dude, I like my soul and I want to keep it. Just keep walking.
Okay. What’s up with that house?
Uh, their lawn is a certified State Prairie.
Really?
Probably. There’s definitely at least a family of skunks in there. Kind of a vicious cycle, now. The skunks moved in because the grass was long, and they can’t mow the grass until they get rid of the skunks…nice people, though. Even if their Christmas display is a little ghetto-tastic.
It can’t be that bad.
That’s baby Jesus in a flower pot on top of a dead fern.
Yes. Yes it is.
I mean, as tacky Christmas displays go, I’ve seen worse.
This photo was taken in April.
Ah. Yes, that does up the tackiness quite a bit. Oh, uh, Dosvidanya to you too, Sir!
Oh, hey Mr. W! He’s such a sweetheart.
He does seem like a nice guy. …That tapestry next to his front door…is that Lenin?
I think so, yes.
…Why?
I have never asked.
…SHOULDN’T YOU???
Look, the dude is super nice, he always brings his trash cans in on time, and he mows the lawn for the elderly couple next door. Whether or not he’s the result of a Soviet cloning experiment is not my business. Besides, he waves to me every morning, so I’m pretty sure when the revolution comes I’m safe.
…Oh. Dude. This next house–keep looking straight ahead, and don’t draw attention to yourself.
Why? Who lives here?
Odin.
…What?
Sshh. You heard me.
…The Norse god. You’re saying he lives here.
What did I just say about drawing attention to yourself?
Okay, now you’re just making shit up.
Tell that to his honor guard of ravens.
…Yeah, those things are…pretty intimidating. Um, why are they staring me down like that?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe because someone’s bad at following directions? Anyway, I think we’re safe now.
Those are some pretty houses.
Oh, those things are totally fake.
They look pretty real to me.
Nope, gotta be fake. They’re definitely just exterior mock-ups for the title sequence of some sitcom. They’re probably made entirely of plywood.
And your evidence for this is…?
The only time I’ve ever seen any sign of life in either of them was at the buttcrack of dawn, when an elderly man in a bathrobe snuck out of the white and pink house and stole the yellow house’s newspaper. That doesn’t happen in real life. They were probably filming that day.
Ooooooooooookay.
Ooh, look, the wizards got some new yard tchochkes!
Wizards now? Come on, SERIOUSLY?
Yes.
I suppose I should avert my eyes as we pass their house, or they’ll turn me into a toad?
Nah, they’re totally cool. Just don’t piss off their gnomes.
Do what now?
Gnomes, dude.
I should be afraid of yard statuary now?
Statuary nothing. Those things are sentient. At night they roam the neighborhood in packs. Last week they beat up one of the skunks. Probably. I mean, stray cat problems are definitely on the decline…ooh, anyway, here’s my stop. It was really nice to meet you! Welcome to the neighborhood, and make sure you wave to the audience as you pass.
I’m guessing you mean the people sitting on their balconies in that apartment complex over there.
Two years of data suggest that, at any given time between 6 AM and midnight, an average of two residents are sitting out there in their pajamas, speaking to no one and staring at nothing. Subjects have been known to continue this lack of activity for up to two hours at a time. On the plus side, my house is under near-constant surveillance, and the odds of someone breaking in are virtually nil.
That’s kinda creepy, actually.
Oh, it’s hella creepy.
…Are you sure we should acknowledge them, then? I thought you’re not supposed to break the fourth wall.
Eh, why not? It works for Deadpool.
…Anyway, nice talking to you.
Yeah, welcome to the neighborhood! You’ll love it here.
Laura Writes 