Lord of the Skunks

I pulled up to the polling place, slightly bewildered.  Dozens of people were milling about aimlessly.

Slightly uncertain, I stepped out of my car and tried to make my way through the crowd, which wasn’t easy.

“Excuse me,” I said politely, but I was getting less and less genteel as I elbowed my way through.  “Hey, I’m trying to get in and vote.”

“Yeah,” someone replied gruffly.  “We all are.”  He gestured toward the entrance.  “…But you have to get past that guy.”

Chilling casually in front of the entrance was a scruffy looking guy.  Scraggly beard, barefoot, and wearing–okay, imagine, like, a Jedi robe, but maybe the one that Luke Skywalker wears for eating cheez-its and watching Netflix on his day off.

Around his feet were several frolicking skunks of various sizes.

A wave of smell rolled over me.

Skunk dude glanced over and saw me looking at him, giving me a friendly, casual wave.

“…He looks pretty chill,” I said to the person I’d been talking to.  “Has anyone tried, you know, asking him to move?”

The guy glanced dubiously at the frolicking skunks.  “You can,” he replied.

Okay then.

Using the smell as my guide, I moved to the edge of what I considered the ‘safe zone’ and gave the pungent stranger a friendly wave.  “Hi!”  I called.  “Is it okay if I come over there?”

He smiled and gave an enthusiastic wave back.  “Sure!”

I glanced at his malodorous compatriots.  “No one will get mad?”

He looked genuinely puzzled.  “Why would anyone get mad?”

Taking a few final gulps of semi-pleasant air, I took a few cautious steps forward.  The skunks seemed unconcerned.  I continued in a slow and nonthreatening, but casual, manner.

Robe guy was grinning pleasantly when I arrived.  “Hi,” I said, sticking out my hand for a handshake.  Despite the company he kept, the guy looked pretty friendly and easy-going.

“Well, hi there!”  He said.  “Nice to finally meet some of the neighbors.”

“Yeah!”  I agreed almost too enthusiastically, although the statement made me blink.  Neighbors?  “Listen, I was gonna go inside and vote, is that cool?”

He looked at me blankly.  “…Vote?”

“…For president?”  I elaborated.

“Oh, is there a vote going on?”  He sounded totally astonished.

“It’s kind of been all over the news.”

“Oh,” he said.  “I don’t own a TV.”

No shocker there.

One of the skunks finally noticed me.  It came up and sniffed me, then started rubbing against my leg like a cat.

Awesome.

“I just saw all these people out here and thought it would be a good time to get out and get to know people,” he continued pleasantly.

“Well, uh, welcome to the neighborhood.  So–is it okay if I–”  I motioned to the door behind him.

“Hmm?  Oh–sure, not a problem!  Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You just seem kind of…situated here.”

“Oh, well please, by all means, go ahead.”

I motioned to the milling crowds behind me.  “They’d all like to get through and vote too,” I said.

“Do they?”  He seemed surprised.  “Well–so far, you’re the only one who’s asked!”

Seeing me motion toward them, one man took several emboldened steps forward.

Robe guy shook his head.  “That’s likely to end badly!”  He called to the man in a pleasant but warning tone.

The skunks, frolicking randomly until now, were suddenly on alert.

The man, seemingly super affronted that I’d succeeded where he was finding difficulty, kept coming forward with a scowl on his face.

“Listen, friend,” Robe Guy called out, “you probably want to consider what you’re doing.”

As one, the skunks oriented themselves butt-first toward the interloper.  Tails were raised.

I winced.

I woke up, thoroughly disoriented, and had to check my phone several times to assure myself that it was, yes, a Tuesday, but no, not November yet.  Weirded out, I started getting ready for work.

The whole house carried the definite odor of skunk.