Turkey Bowl Trash Talk: Part I

As I may have mentioned once or twice before, my family is massive, and also insane.

Our annual Thanksgiving tradition is equally massive and insane: 59 people, 5 turkeys, several dogs, at least one dish of chili dip, and the annual Thanksgiving Morning Turkey Bowl touch football game, which has become the catalyst for everyone’s favorite sub-tradition (yeah, it’s a word because I say so): Turkey Bowl Trash Talk.

I don’t have written record of the origin of the fine tradition of Turkey Bowl Trash Talking, but one year an MVP trophy was introduced and awarded (yes, an actual, physical trophy), and every Thanksgiving since, things have never been the same.

Therefore, I present to you all the Turkey Bowl Trash Talk Hall of Fame, a collection of the best moments in the ever-escalating game of antagonizing your relatives.  This segment is from the year that spawned the second most famous character* in our family drama:  The Champion.  It needed to be documented.

*Editor’s note:  The first most famous character in our family drama is Squanto.  That’s a long story, for another blog post.

***

Nov. 6, 2013
From: Kevin
To: family@googlegroups

Dear Family,

As many of you already know, we are already days into the month of November. Of course when we think of November we think of Thanksgiving. I know you all get excited about Thanksgiving because it’s not only a chance to get to see your favorite and most awesome cousin/nephew (yes me) again, but yet another chance to play in the annual Family Turkey Bowl. We will be having a game once we have the location determined. 
 
You see the purpose of this email was to let the older washed up athletes such as Dale, Steve, Derek, Tim, just to name a few, get a chance to hop back on the treadmill and not be embarrassed by the younger cousins. This email was also sent so that the uncles can start warming their arms up so we don’t have to hear the same old “I throw the ball around once a year” excuse after every incomplete pass. Excuses will be not be tolerated this year.
 
All in all this email is basically me calling all you people out to step up your game this year. Im just gonna say it, the competition in recent years has been weak and a drop off from my talent level. There… I said it. I said it. Do not take it personally cause first off, I’m The Champion and it’s the truth. I just want to actually face some competition for once. I want someone to step up to my talent level and challenge The Champion this year. Who will it be?
 
Sincerely,
 
Kevin “The Champion” 

Nov. 6, 2013
From: Jen

Please let me know when and where so Charlie can come out and play.  He is 10 now. He loves sports and I know he would love to play with his cousins.
 
Molly would duck and cover if a ball was ever thrown at her so she is out.
I have never played except on NW Circle in the street when my Uncles were gracious enough to involve me in a play with their friends.
It usually was something like (put out the hand and show the play happening)…”Jen, run here, then wait and we will throw the ball”.  Then there would be some bogus play and they would TOSS me the ball and let me run it in.
I’m sure that point never counted.
Anyway, can’t wait to see everyone!
Jen
Nov. 6, 2013
From: Dale
 
Jenny,
 
I think I speak for all of us when I say I would pick Charlie over Kevin any day of the week.
Nov. 6, 2013
From: Amy
 
As the only holder, EVER, of the MVP turkey bowl trophy, I have yet to decide if I will be playing this year.  However, you can be assured that I will at least be on the sidelines with a (spiked) cup of hot chocolate
 
Amy “MVP” 

Nov. 14, 2013

From: Kevin
 
 
2 Weeks until game day folks. Hope you have been working out getting ready for the game so you do not get embarrassed by The Champion once again. 
 
  • Tommy is currently Probable for the game as he claims he WILL be playing with a fractured shoulder injury. 
  • After the trash talk that 1 time MVP Amy was displaying last week, fans are expecting to see her back it up on the field this year. She can talk the talk but can she walk the walk? 
  • Bobby is coming off a varsity starting job as a sophomore from Prospect. Will anyone be able to guard him this year? 
  • Steven is coming off a sub par performance last year after his all star performances in the past years. Will he bounce back? 
  • Derek had problems staying in shape the entire game last year and some doubt whether or not he will be able to complete game this year. 
  • Fans are also wondering what outfit Danielle will be wearing if she plays this year after her 90’s jumpsuit attire she wore last year. 
  • Will this be the year Em and Mel play? 
  • Tim had a huge performance coming off the bench last year. Will he repeat it this year? Morale for him is high after his recent engagement (Congrats). Could have a huge game this year
  • Andy will be sure to get in the competition to show that he is just as good as the rest of the family. Could be a dark-horse for this years MVP.
  •  Justin could be another dark-horse MVP, he has a tendency to make the big plays out there year after year.
  • Kim comes off a regional championship with her SIU flag intramural team, hopefully she can bring a championship mindset to a team this year if she decides to play.
  • Dale has the intangible leadership skills that teams often look for but many are saying his skills have dropped off. Can he prove them wrong?
  • After a long off season Nick seems as motivated as he has ever been to play. He has the height and size to be a big time player yet again.
  • Could this be the year Charlie becomes an every down player and hangs with the older cousins? Many think so. 
  • Kevin IS the best athlete on the field and will put on a performance this year. He is the guy you will want to watch on the field. The so called experts have pegged him to win the MVP this year after being snubbed the past few years.
A lot of hype and questions leading up to this game. The biggest of all is will they all play? Will the fans end up coming out? There has been talks about bringing back out the MVP trophy. Will The Champion meet the expectations and win it or will someone else? If so who will? This one surely has the potential to go down as one of the greatest Turkey Bowls played in family history.
 
The Champion,
 
Kevin
 
 
Nov. 14, 2013
From: Tim
You seriously have too much time on your hands.
Nov. 14, 2013
From: Amy
 
Note that I WILL be walking the walk.
Nov. 14, 2013
From: Don
Uncle Don may have to take a break from cooking, come out of retirement and show some of his old lightning speed as he goes out for a long bomb – we will see if anyone has an arm strong enough to throw the ball that far and who may have the speed to defend me on the long pass. Maybe we can get uncle Wayne or JT to toss the long ball.
Nov. 14, 2013
From: Dale
 
Hey Donny,
We don’t wanna have to call the paramedics out there…stick to the kitchen 😉

Nov. 14, 2013
From Danielle

Idk dale… za-don can keep up with the youngins on the high school fb field while he’s reffing. Hes in pretty damn good shape. I’m guessing he would probably school you…or are you too afraid to find out and that’s the real reason you’re telling him to stick to the kitchen?

Nov. 14, 2013
From:  Rick

Who’s the only uncle to throw for two touchdowns, one for each team in last year’s game??  OH – Yeah it would be me with the surgically repaired right shoulder!!

May have to reprise my Brett Farve ( or Johnny Unitas)  impersonation.  And – yes – I can STILL hit Uncle Don …

… with a long pass.

Nov. 15, 2013
From:  Roy

I do need everyone to RSVP whether they are not coming at all, coming only for appetizers, or coming for appetizers/dinner.   We need this to figure the amount of food to buy and also so I can plan the seating.

Nov. 15, 2013
From Kevin

By seating arrangement, uncle Roy means where to put the “little kids table” even though the majority of us are in our late teens…

Nov. 15, 2013
From: Roy

Kevin:

Glad you picked up on that hint. I actually think you “late teens” should eat outdoors (in the backyard) like they did at the original Thanksgiving — and half of you should be dressed up like Indians and half like pilgrims.  Just think how “realistic” that will seem and then we will all be jealous that we didn’t get to sit at your table.

Uncle Roy

Nov. 16, 2013
From: Laura

Uncle Roy, you seem to be encouraging another Squanto* sequel.

*Editor’s note:  Told ya.

Nov. 21, 2013
From:  Kevin

Boy oh Boy, It is one week away from the annual Turkey Bowl. The scouting reports were sent out last week, and now it is time to confirm if you so called athletes will be playing with The Champion this year. I understand you may not be able to compete with The Champion and his amazing athletic abilities, but it is tradition that the game is to be played and there MUST be other players. So who is in? Who plans on playing with The Champion this year? I cannot make any guarantees you will be on my team.
Please, if your shoulders don’t work like they use to, you might want to consider passing the torch on to the cousins being QB. Some of you should end your career on the high notes of last year rather than the failures of this year. Yes that means The Champion will be devastating your highly “successful” Turkey Bowl careers.
Sincerely,
 

Kevin “The Champion”

Nov. 21, 2013
From:  Andy
Under normal circumstances, I would hesitate to play, because I hate drawing attention away from younger cousins of mine like “The Champ.” With my striking visage and my natural athleticism, all eyes are drawn to me from the moment I set foot on the field, shattering the fragile egos of my teammates. However, after seeing the tears shed by my fans due to my absence last year, and after hearing the calls of “The Champ” for more competition, I feel like I have no choice but to throw my hat into the ring for this year’s Turkey Bowl.

Please do not let news of this leak to the press, as I’m not sure that FairChild Park is big enough to hold the throngs of adoring fans that would surely show up to see me play football again.

See you on the gridiron, “Champ.”

Andy “The Academic”

Nov. 29, 2013 
From:  Dale
Finally “The Champion” has shut up.
Best Regards,
 Your MVP
  

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