You know the drill. Read Part I and Part II first.
***
Nov. 16, 2015
From: Kevin
Alright Family, It is that time of year again. The Family Turkey Bowl, also dubbed THE Game of the Year. You all know how it goes down.
The game this year really comes down to 2 questions.
Who is gonna be the first pair of siblings to fight? Vegas has heavy favorites on Derek/Dale and Steven/Kevin/Bobby. But with Nick back in town for Thanksgiving, Nick and Tommy could be a dark horse favorite to win it.
And now the more important question… who will win this year’s MVP award? A few headlines from the Northwest area.
Bobby is coming off a huge senior season at Prospect and with an MVP already under his belt, he is a huge favorite to win the award.
Dale, who shared the MVP with Bobby 2 years ago, is out with a vengeance after missing out on last years award. He feels the voters overlooked his performance and has publicly stated that if not for himself playing QB, Steven would not have been able to put up the performance he had. Also be sure to lookout for something from Dale as many fans are anticipating him to send out something ridiculous, since he usually has a lot of time on his hands.
Speaking of Steven, Last year’s co-MVP with Charlie, is a huge favorite to win the award this year. His dominating receiving performance from last year has continued this year in his flag football league and looks to carry the momentum into the Turkey Bowl.
After a co-MVP performance last year, Charlie looks to kept his skills going this year. Players have their eyes on him this year after over looking his talents.
Tim and Andy both have been missing in the past years from the games. Will we see them this year?
Will and can this be the year that voters look and focus more on defensive performance? If so, they should keep an eye on Derek as he will make a serious case for the award if he plays.
Rumors have been swirling that Jason will be in town for thanksgiving, however, whether he will play remains to be foreseen. We saw flashes of an MVP performance a few years ago. Can the former high-school quarterback rejuvenate his game?
As always, look out for those Uncles who can “play quarterback” and come in for “Relief Appearances”.
Is this the year that the females decided to actually participate when they say they are going to participate? We will only know on game-day.
I know theres one player we have yet to talk about. I think we all know who that is… The Champion. For those who missed out on his press conference the other day, his status is currently questionable for The Game. Northwestern, fighting for a New-Years bowl game, may need him for the morning of Thanksgiving since college football takes no days off. If that is the case, The Champion will be missing out on the Turkey Bowl. If he does play… to win the award, he is likely going to have to out-play Steven, which has not been the case the last two years.
If there is one thing we know, it’ll be another fantastic game as it always is year after year.
Regards,
The Champion
Nov. 16, 2015
From: Andy
A correction, courtesy of The Academic:
The previous report by The Champion misstated prior player records. Andy (better known as The Academic) has been present for three Turkey Bowls in a row. That being said, mistakenly noting him as absent is understandable, given his underwhelming performance (e.g., last year, when he not only dropped every single pass thrown to him, but also pulled a hamstring). That being said, rumor has it that The Academic has been studying the SEC for their football secrets, recently attending the Mississippi State/Alabama game, where he observed his team to learn what not to do in order to win. While it cannot be confirmed that he will be there in time for the game, the scuttlebutt is that he will be back in town for Thanksgiving and may grace the field with his expertise (editor’s note: his expertise is in psychology, not football).
See you all in a couple weeks,
The Academic
Nov. 16, 2015
From: Rick
On Doctor’s advice (“You wanna have ANOTHER shoulder surgery??”) I have officially retired – not even bringing my mud-gym shoes. Now I know how Peyton Manning feels (he’s older than I am, you know!!).
My place on the roster should be filled by my #2 grandson, Adam. I think he’s ready to challenge Charlie (and Bobby and Tommy and Dale) for the MVP trophy.
Uncle Rick
Nov. 16, 2015
From: Shelly
While he may be able to be convinced to run in a play or two, Adam has his headphone amplifier and has been brushing up on his color commentary skills. 😉
Nov. 16, 2015
From: Dale
Mr. “Champion”…..
The past two Turkey Bowl MVPs (SwagDaddy and Stinky Steve), have taken their talents from the grid iron to the music industry. While you’ve been rigorously training for the 2015 Turkey Bowl, the reigning MVPs have been slaving away in the studio to release their debut single, The Turkey Bowl Trot. It has already claimed the #1 spot on the Billboard 100 and is projected to be the highest selling single of all time.
Now don’t be mistaken… the 2013 Turkey Bowl MVP, Dale, hasn’t lost his step one bit. He is fully prepared to dominate this year’s Turkey Bowl and reclaim what is his, the coveted Family Turkey Bowl MVP Trophy.
Hope to see you out there champ….I’ll be waiting for ya.
P.S. – Make sure you turn your speakers to max volume cuz this track is ’bout to go PLATINUM!!!
Yours Truly,
The Swag Dad
Nov. 17, 2015
From: Wayne
You guys have way too much time on your hands. Love it!
Nov. 17, 2015
From: Jim
OK – from one parody writer to another – it was great…did you copyright it? In case it does go viral….
Next thing you know Drew will be doing it at his piano gigs. In the mean time, the Academic is trying to analyze how this musical dalliance will affect the psyche of all other candidates, half the uncles are scratching their heads trying to understand it, and the other half of the uncles can’t understand the words ’cause their hearing is gone.
Uncle Jim
Nov. 17, 2015
From: Brian
Not wanting to be Johnny Raincloud, and Julie would be a better authority than me, but Steven sounded a little flat on several notes. I would blame the audio mixer, but the same guy is also the video mixer and that guy did a pretty good job.*
Maybe a little more work on your choreography. Timing was off, and that attention to detail is what looses you the MTV Award.
Great job guys.
Uncle Brian
*Editor’s note: and they were both Uncle Brian.
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Kevin
Family,
This is the official email thread of who will be playing/not playing. Please respond if you will be playing. If you plan on showing up late because for some reason there is something more important than the Turkey-bowl, then say you’ll be coming late so we know. This goes for Cousins and Uncles… and maybe a few aunts? Papa J? Grandma?
To avoid wasting playing time, major on field arguments, and just for the sake of trash talking (cause who in this family does not like trash talking), the teams will be picked before the game has started. Trans will be drafted Wednesday night. This also avoids the 20 minutes of teams deciding who the two actual captains will be, as well as the cousins arguing for 10 minutes that they do not want teams split up by the uncles. Once drafted, the teams will be released Wednesday night in an email.
“But Mr. Champion… who will be dividing and picking these teams?”
That is actually a good question. After a few “rap-songs” have been released, and constant “I am not being a captain this year” happens every year, it seems that few players have already taken sides and committed to being on each others teams. Since that is the case, the following players will be team co-captains.
Team Ted- StinkySteve and Swagdad Dale
Team Dolores- The Champion and The Athlete (Derek)
Uncle Bruce will be the mediator to make sure that teams are fair and ready to go to avoid any arguments that teams are unfair. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Don’t forget to respond if you are playing.
Regards,
The Champion
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Andy
I’ll be arriving in Chicago Wednesday afternoon/evening, and will be ready to play on Thursday morning.
I cannot promise that I will throw accurately, actually catch the ball, tackle anyone, or remain uninjured, but I will be there.
–Andy
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Rick
I, again, opt out. Waiting for Medicare to kick in next September.
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Wayne
I’m not going to play. Bad back and hips and everything else my old body has.
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Julie
I will be opting out in an effort to preserve my health for my graduate recital the following week. (See, I have a good excuse this year!) However, weather permitting (gotta protect that throat), I will be there to act as the unofficial photographer with my mom’s camera, as usual.
Nov. 23, 2015
From: Jim
I will be there. I may play for a few snaps as an emergency replacement, but do not count on me for a full time player.
I will say that at this point it is a toss up between myself and the Academic as to who has the more talent . But at least in this arena – I have more knowledge.
Uncle Jim
Nov. 23,2015
From: Brian
I will not be playing. I’ll be cooking and cleaning and Bla-bla-bla.
For those of you who are playing, don’t forget extra clothes, dry clothes. It’s going to be 55º and soaking wet. 67% chance of rain. We’ll hose you down in the garage before you come in the house. You leave that mud and snow where it came from. Hell has no fury like Aunt Cathy and a dirty, wet floor!
Have a good game.
Uncle Brian
Nov. 24, 2015
From: Jim
Addendum to previous info–Thanks to Uncle Brian for reminding me…If it is raining I will not be there as I too can not afford to get sick as my quartets, choruses, and church choir have several Holiday gigs in the next few weeks.
Uncle Jim
Nov. 24, 2015
From: Rick
And Jim is now OLD like the rest of us. (He used to LIKE rolling around in the mud.)
***
Apr. 12, 2016
From: Kevin
Fam,
I email you all today today with good news. I recently achieved an achievement that kids only dream of their entire lives. Before I get into it though, We need to look back at the Champion’s historical athletic achievements. In the summer of 2014, The Champion took home the Bags Championship with his partner Shelly. While it was a great win for the Champion and Shelly, the world knew The Champion wasn’t done yet and that it was just the beginning. Boy was the world right because on Thanksgiving of 2015, The Champion was crowned the Turkey Bowl MVP after a dominating performance that included a highlight reel of touchdowns and interceptions.
With that being said, I know many of you have been having long sleepless nights wondering “What has the Champion been up to lately”? Well its finally time for me to answer. Last Saturday I was at Relay for Life, a fundraiser in which you stay 12 hours throughout the night and fight sleep to recognize those who battle cancer. While at the fundraiser they had a water-balloon toss contest for all those at Relay. Now you all obviously know the Champion never turns down a chance to show his athletic talent to the world. The Champion teamed up with his friend who also happens to be the second greatest athlete to ever walk the earth behind The Champion. After watching “the competition”, made up of 50 other teams, try and compete along with The Champion and his partner, they all started dropping their water-balloons at the pressure of competing with two of the greatestest (yes thats a real word that only the best of the best can use) athletes. Some quicker than others. Before you knew it… well actually everyone knew it was gonna happen, The Champion was walking away with his partner as “Water-balloon Toss Champions”. Just another accomplishment to add to The Champion’s athletic achievements.
Some of you do not know this, but cousins, aunts, uncles, and even Grandma all tell me I am the greatest athlete in this family. I like to stay humble and deny them, as I felt there has been several deserving of that honor. However, after being the only one in the family to win both the bags tournament and MVP of the Turkey-bowl, along with this water balloon contest it is becoming undeniable that I am the greatest Family athlete.
Remember, The Champion will be playing Left Field for the Terminators so come out and watch him this summer. You don’t want to be telling your future kids, grand kids, maybe even great grandkids that you missed out watching him in the Summer of ’16 when you’re telling stories of him 30 years down the road. But then again, they’ll all be watching him still do the impossible 30 years.
Thought I’d let you all know of my achievement.
Regards,
Kevin
Bags Champion 2014
Turkey Bowl MVP 2015
Water-Balloon Toss Champion 2016
Laura Writes 