(To read a previous post like this, click here.)
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Excuse me?
Something you need?
Do you know where I can find the Burlington Barbershop?
Ah. Yeah, you’re looking for the Mackhard Barbershop.
… But my appointment’s at the Burlington Barbershop.
Then you’ll be having your hair cut at the Mackhard Barbershop. They changed their name.
… But… I just made my appointment on Tuesday.
Yeah, they change their name about every six months, kind of without warning. I’m not saying they’re actually a front for the mob or a Russian bot farm, but I really don’t know how they stay in business if they’re not. Good haircuts, though.
… So you know where this place is?
Yeah, you go down the–you know what, why don’t I just show you.
Are you sure?
Oh yeah. Beats shoveling snow.
I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.
It’s no big deal, especially now that Eagle Eye got evicted. Besides, in this neighborhood it’s dangerous to go alone.
The crime rate’s that bad?
No, but the weirdness rate is. Come on, it’s this way. I’m Laura, by the way.
Nice to meet you. Who’s Eagle Eye?
He used to live in the apartment complex across the street. Retired policeman. Ran our amateur neighborhood watch.
Aren’t neighborhood watch programs a good thing? It sounded like you didn’t like him.
They’re not a good thing when they consist entirely of one half-naked old guy sitting on his patio, tracking his neighbors’ movements and trying to clandestinely figure out the interior layouts of their houses.
Okay, that is creepy.
Like I said, there’s a weirdness rate at work here.
I’m beginning to see your point about that. I’ve never seen a snowman making that particular hand gesture before, for example.
Ohohohoho. I don’t know what Phil did, but it must have been unforgivable. His wife has clearly upped her game.
She’s done this before?
She has no qualms about public shaming as a relationship fixer.
Wow.
Yep. … And on that side of the street, we have the wizards.
Wizards? As in Hogwarts?
Probably.
And your evidence for this is?
Well, clearly no one has taught them the nuances of Muggle yard decoration, for one thing.
I can’t really disagree. Most people would probably take down their Christmas display before they put up their Valentine hearts.
They aren’t most people. They’re super nice, though.
What are those grimy orange blobs?
Those trash bags that look like Jack-o-lanterns that you fill with dead leaves.
Ah. The yard decoration trifecta.
Quadrifecta, if you count the string of lights shaped like chili peppers on that bush.
For… Cinco De Mayo?
See, that was my guess too, but I’ve never actually seen them lit up.
Well, when did they put them up?
They’ve been up since I moved here four years ago.
… Right. Ooh, look, deer tracks!
… Yeah, I’m not convinced they’re deer tracks.
What do you mean?
Look closer.
What exactly am I looking for?
Do you see any deer tracks approaching this house?
Now that you mention it, no.
Walking away from this house?
… Also no.
So the deer tracks only appear directly in front of this house.
What are you getting at?
I’m reasonably certain they’re satyrs.
… Wizards AND satyrs?
Yep.
On the same block?
Yep yep.
Don’t you think there could be another explanation? Like, maybe the footprints are from a pet or something? What if they own, I don’t know, a potbellied pig? Those have hooves.
…
That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Come on, keep moving. Satyrs spook easily.
Whatever. That next house is in really bad shape.
Yeah, Mr. W and his Lenin tapestry just kind of disappeared one day. They were there on my walk home from the train, and the next morning they were gone.
Lenin tapestry? Dude was Russian?
That’s a logical assumption.
Are you going to tell me the revolution has begun and he was called into service?
I’m not ruling it out.
The house probably looks shabbier because the one next to it is so ridiculously tidy.
That’s Dre’s house! He’s great.
Who’s Dre?
A distinguished businessman with impeccable taste.
Okay, I’ll bite. What’s your definition of impeccable taste?
Three words: Unicorns. And. Narwahls.
Amazing.
I know, right?
Hey, who left that mirror on the side of the road?
Oh. Dude. Don’t touch that.
It’s a big mirror. It was probably expensive.
Seriously dude, leave it.
It looks antique. Why would someone just leave it on the side of the road?
Yeah, think about that for a second. There are three antique shops on the next block over alone. Why do you think it’s sitting out here in the snow?
What are you trying to say? They probably just didn’t want it any more. Look, someone wrote ‘free’ in the layer of dust on the glass with their finger.
Yeah, probably right before it sucked them through into the dungeon dimension.
… So, you’re saying it’s haunted.
Dude, you seriously need to watch more Buffy. Come on, the barbershop’s at the end of the block.
Okay, but real quick: explain to me the taxidermied cobra on that person’s front stoop.
You really want to hear my explanation?
At this point, I’m just curious what you’re gonna say.
Well, I’ve never actually seen the people that live there, but two explanations come to mind: either they’re trying to ward off potential vermin infestations…
Or, let me guess: the occupants are trapped in a game of Jumanji.
Yeah! Hey, you’re really starting to get a feel for this neighborhood.
Honestly, I feel like a native at this point.
Well, you’re just in time, because here’s the Mackhard Ba… Wait.
Boutique de Monique?
Huh. Twice in a single week. The government must be on to them.
Wait, don’t leave! What am I supposed to do?
Enjoy your haircut! I think you’ll be fine on the walk back.
Laura Writes 