Folks, it’s that time of year once again for the nonoptional social convention of buying gifts for all the people you love, as well as some people you intensely dislike but cannot avoid.
I am–and this is a holiday miracle–already well underway with my holiday shopping, and I’m always looking to help, so I thought I’d share some of the hot items I came across to help you with the tricky people on your list.
Let’s get this one out of the way first:
For Your Mother-In-Law
Most of my loved ones are blessed with pretty awesome in-laws, but I recognize that not everyone is that lucky. There are those crazy controlling ones, the passive-aggressive ones, and–probably the worst–the constantly-questioning-your-parenting-decisions ones.
This gift is good for any of those, but especially the latter.
The Gift: This Charming Monogram Tchotchke
Now, I know you’re probably questioning my advice here. Mother-in-laws love tchotchkes, and the first initial of their angel darling grandbaby to stand proudly on a shelf, or perhaps a mantle, can’t possibly be a bad idea. What’s the plan, here?
My answer to you is: look closer at that picture.
Nothing can properly convey those feelings of complete and utter loathing, yet begrudging tolerance for appearance’s sake, like a gift that says “I peed on this, and now you have to keep it”. And not just keep it–but proudly display it. Since it’s a KEEPSAKE of her ANGEL DARLING GRANDBABY, she can’t throw it away, either. She’s stuck with it forever. you have successfully peed on your mother-in-law’s house and gotten away with it. In the chess game that is familial relationship, this is the ultimate checkmate.
(Somehow, there are MULTIPLE SELLERS who make these things, so I guess hanging on to your used pregnancy test is actually a thing?)
For Your Friend’s Douchebag Boyfriend
They have conflicting opinions about the exclusivity of their relationship.The first four times they broke up, you might have said some stuff about him that, in hindsight, made things pretty awkward when they got back together. But he’s gonna be at your holiday get-together, so you have to get him something.
The Gift: This Personalized Leather Belt
This way, he’ll have something to remind him of your friend every time he takes off his pants.
…In case he needs that kind of reminder.
For the Demon Spawn
The last time your friend brought her kid over, he broke your iPad, spilled fruit juice on your couch, and demanded you give him your Harry Potter Funko Pop figurine to keep. Your friend just laughed at how adorable her spawn was. Sure. Adorable.
The Gift: Taxidermied Furbies
This can go two ways:
A) The kid is terrified and doesn’t sleep for weeks.
B) The kid LOVES his Furby monstrosities and insists on doing everything with them. His parents are both mortified to drag them around in public and secretly terrified themselves.
Either way, this is a win.
(Again, there are LOTS of sellers who do this out there, as well as instructions for DIY Frankenfurbing.)
For Chad at the Office
He won’t shut up about Crypto and CrossFit, uses the phrase ‘beta male’ unironically, and you keep a tally in your notebook of how many times he’s ‘well actually’-ed you in meetings. Unfortunately, you drew his name in the department Secret Santa.
The Gift: This Charming Throw Pillow
This seller was so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Chad will love it.
For Your Too-Perfect Long-Time Acquaintance
You haven’t actually seen each other since you worked that part-time retail job together back in high school, but for some reason, a picture-perfect Christmas card arrives at your parents’ address from Mackenzie for you every year, including a lengthy letter on festive stationary talking about how #blessed she’s been this year with her perfect husband and her perfect kids and their perfect dog in their HGTV-worthy house.
Sometimes you just set it afire, envelope and all, and roast your marshmallows over it. Instagram THAT, Mackenzie.
The Gift: A Glow-In-The-Dark Articulated Slug
Show Mackenzie how you really feel and stop those smarmy Christmas cards. In case it’s not clear from the photo, these things are the size of your hand.
(In all seriousness, it’s worth noting that these things have over 500 five-star reviews. Reviewers say fidgeting with them is good for relieving anxiety, and that is almost definitely something Mackenzie has, so you’d be doing her a favor, honestly.)
For Your Neighbor
His dog’s favorite pooping spot is your driveway, and he shovels all his snow onto your property.
…No, I’m not talking about anyone in particular. What makes you think that?
The Gift: A Life-Size Inflatable Light-Up Jabba the Hutt
You misunderstand me. This gift is for you.
Position it so that it looks into his bathroom window. Then keep Christmas in your heart all the year.
(Bonus: Includes steaks.)
Emergency Reserve Gift
Maybe you get invited to a White Elephant gift exchange. Maybe your cousin brings an unexpected plus-one to Christmas dinner. Whatever the reason, almost every year I find I’ve left someone off my list, and need to frantically scramble to wrap something.
The Gift: French Chicken Arms
They’re little arms. For your chicken. Made in France. You literally cannot go wrong with this.
Laura Writes 
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